This year Sexism Inc held their AGM at a top secret location in the south of England. With the help of my undercover contacts I was able to get hold of the transcript of their CEO’s closing speech, which has been reproduced below.
Well, what a year it’s been! An exhausting one but, as I’m sure you’ll agree, one of our most successful.
The market has seen some tough times lately, what with the resurgence of interest in feminism since its early noughties slump. There was a time, two or three years ago, when some of you expressed concerns that we might not get through it. Certainly there was a need for some restructuring but, while we were all sad to see Mr Clarkson and Mr Buchanan go, I know that they, too, saw the need for sexism to move with the times.
It’s important for any organisation, even one that doesn’t prioritise the subjugation of half the human race, to stay nimble and flexible. That’s why in May this year I was absolutely delighted to announce the acquisition of Libfem Corp and its subsidiaries, Everyday Feminism, Amnesty and NUS Women. While these will now operate as part of Sexism Inc family, they will retain their unique brand identities, finding new ways to market objectification and sexual exploitation to women without recourse to the more “traditional” messaging favoured by our more established brands.
Of course, this year’s biggest news has been the launch of Patriarchy 2.0. P2, as those of us close to the project like to call it, has been several years in the making, so it’s been wonderful to see it rolled out in full.
I’m sure most of you are aware of the project objectives – line managers, I’m looking at you! – but just to recap, the purpose of Patriarchy 2.0 has always been to maintain the key benefits of being male in a patriarchal society (e.g. the exploitation/appropriation of female reproductive, sexual, physical and emotional labour) while ironing out many of the bugs (e.g. compulsory heterosexuality, enforced masculinity, female people still being able to organise as a political group). While Patriarchy 1.0 is something of which we’re all very proud — and yes, this model will still remain on the market, both online and in real life, for the foreseeable future — Patriarchy 2.0 is, we think you’ll agree, a huge step forward, making sexism available at a much lower cost to anyone born with a penis.
As you all know, Patriarchy 1.0 used the Heterosexual Marriage operating system as a way of establishing paternity, appropriating female reproductive power and claiming ownership of other human beings. For a long time now our market research has been telling us that many of our users found this clunky, with far too many restrictions placed on what they should wear, who they should sleep with, how they should present themselves etc. etc.
With Patriarchy 2.0 you don’t need to worry about all that. Now, the material exploitation of female bodies is available on a pay-as-you-go basis. Want sex? You’ll be doing sex workers a favour. Want to father some kids? Take your pick from a wide range of overseas surrogates. Need your kids to be white? Buy the eggs elsewhere. The key word here is choice. Choice and self-validation. Remember, it’s all about you.
The operating system used by Patriarchy 2.0 is Queer Theory. It did require some tweaks from the original version presented by Ms Butler – Ms Serano did some sterling work on this – but I think we’ve found something every modern-day patriarch should like. The fundamentals of sex-based exploitation are still in place – we all know the anatomy of the people who’ll be doing most of the world’s unpaid work – but our special override function renders them indescribable. It’s ingenious (any problems with the online version can be dealt with by pressing caps lock and typing TERF).
Special mentions go to Mr Jones in sales and Ms Lees in marketing for their contributions to the UK launch. Globally we’re doing especially well in the US and Canada. Other parts of the world are still favouring Version 1.0 but we’ll be discussing a migration and rollover strategy in the New Year.
In the meantime, I think we all need to give ourselves an enormous round of applause (members of subsidiary teams are welcome to use jazz hands). Here’s to another year of sexism success!