Rumbled! What life for women is really like

This morning on Twitter I was distracted by the mention of Loose Women. It’s hard not to be. Every feminist worships at the altar of this lunchtime show in which ALL the regular panel members are WOMEN. I haven’t watched it in years but I know that, whenever I’m in doubt as to whether the feminist vision has been realised, I think of Loose Women and know that all’s well in the world. That Carol who was once married to Chris Evans, and the one who played thingy in Coronation Street, and the singer my dad liked on Cruise Ship — don’t worry, sisters, whatever the problem, they’ll have your back.   

Of course, I shouldn’t be too open about this. After all, as a feminist, it’s important to have something to moan about, otherwise where would we be? Hence I like to pretend that, in a world in which unequal pay, unequal access to education, a lack of reproductive choices, political non-representation, FGM, rape culture, slut-shaming, violence against women etc. etc. remain rife, Loose Women isn’t enough. Thus, along with all other feminists, I spend my time on twitter trolling men’s rights activists telling them that if the world was really fair, we wouldn’t have Top Gear.

Anyhow, this morning I saw someone tweet that true equality would mean having Loose Men. Imagine! So I tweeted back to say I’d be happy to see this, providing men got to experience all the other great things women did. This was what I got in response:

Doors held open, drinks bought, opp sex lusting after me, boom! Sounds like paradise!

Damn! I’d been rumbled. That’s the trouble with men’s rights activists — they know how ace women’s lives really are. They know we’re pretending all the other stuff gets to us.

Hence, in a one-off, 100% honest post, I’ve decided to come clean about just how great things are. Just to say sorry. Yes, MRAs, you were right all along. This really is a whining contest and you really are winning. Here’s why:

Doors held open

You would not believe how much energy and vitality you have when you’re saved from the daily drudgery of door-opening. Admittedly women still have to open doors if they’re on their own. Or in the ladies’. And actually I hold open doors myself, for men or women. But still, when I look at a man, I don’t see a person; I see a potential door opener (and closer). It’s rare that I check this privilege, but at least I’m doing it now.

Drinks bought

Over the course of my life, men have bought me enough drinks to make the pay gap, unpaid domestic labour, pension poverty etc. look like small change. In drink terms, at least, I am paid several times more than any man on earth. I actually have a Taboo and lemonade lake in my back garden, which I’ve been filling gradually ever since a sixth form social in 1991. I’m sorry, men. But cheers.

Men lusting after us

Women don’t lust after men. Not that we’re frigid. We’re just not slags, either. Or something. Anyhow, we’re saved all the effort of this lusting by men doing it instead. It’s great. Some of them are so forthcoming, too, never taking no for an answer. Why be an active sexual agent when there are men there to do all the hard work for you? Just sit back and be an object, ladies. Result!

Ladies’ Nights and women-only swimming sessions

Ladies’ Nights might be fucking grim, but they’re free for us girls, right? So add that to the scoreboard! As for women-only swimming sessions — well, men, if you’re curious, I’d say they’re a bit like being at Whites’ or the Garrick club only with a lot more moving and shaking (especially when towelling off).

Female primary teachers

Or Pedagogical Fembot X09, to give them their technical term. They’re not actual people, with an interest in teaching all children and the right to be respected, regardless of gender. They’re robots. We, the feminists, programmed them to destroy the self-esteem of little boys simply by telling them to do things while looking female. It’s incredibly powerful and yes, we’re proud of it. It’s working. It’s been even more successful than that time we made sure the dog in the Oxford Reading Tree scheme was called Floppy, just to make all dads reading to their sons feel just that little bit emasculated.

Thelma and Louise

A film in which a woman kills a man who’s trying to rape her mate. The two women run off together. One of them shags Brad Pitt and he steals their money. Then they die. Get that, men? You’d never get that the other way round, would you? Feminist classic (although obviously not as gripping as Loose Women).

That is a one small taster of how privileged we women are. And I’ve not even got onto pink cancer stuff, binmen, Diet Coke Break ads, the fact that we are all white, middle-class, cis and heterosexual (so never suffer in the way that, say, the “white working-class” do – ‘cause they’re all men! Ha!). Being a woman is bloody ace, I tell you.

And on that note I’m off to have a dip in my Taboo and lemonade lake.

24 thoughts on “Rumbled! What life for women is really like

  1. Oh yeah! I forgot how awesome it is to be “lusted after,” like when it’s 7 AM and I’m walking to work and nobody’s around and Creepzilla that I’ve never seen before in my *life* is trying to get me to tell him where I flipping live. Yeah that’s just… terrifying, actually.

  2. Don’t forget getting good marks in school, specifically so we can make boys feel bad and drop out of school. Girls go to school, scout out the boys’ weaknesses and then take them down, exam by exam. This is done by cunning plotting, e.g. finding out the due dates of essays, things like that. Female teachers collude with us by asking the boys to sit still. If we let them leap about they’d get much better marks and then they’d be able to get into university, which we must prevent with every weapon at our fingertips. University places are for us! Only us!

  3. “If we had true equality we’d have loose men”

    Or rather if we had enforced equality we would have loose men. If we had true equality, men would have the option to create a show called loose men in, which men sat around a whined about women and gossiped about banal topics like soaps, celebrities.

    Hang on, what’s that you say? We do have the opportunity to make a show like that? Well then, I wonder why it hasn’t been done, surely that’s a guaranteed hit among men! Or maybe no-one would watch it because men wouldn’t watch it

      1. I won’t stoop to insult your blog. I could say a great many things about your blog but I won’t. As Voltaire didn’t say,

        “I disagree with what you say but will fight to the death to defend your right to say it”.

        For me this applies to any freedom you have, freedom of belief, freedom of expression and most importantly, freedom of choice.

        You hit the nail on the head perfectly with Loose Women. I personally think it’s garbage, the only reason it’s not the worst show on TV is because we have soaps and reality TV. But I do not question your right to watch or enjoy it. All I ask is that in return, you respect my right to watch and enjoy Top Gear, should I choose to do so. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to respect my right to like it because it isn’t doing you any harm, much like Loose Women isn’t doing me any harm.

      2. I won’t stoop to insult your blog. I could say a great many things about your blog but I won’t. As Voltaire didn’t say,

        “I disagree with what you say but will fight to the death to defend your right to say it”.

        For me this applies to any freedom you have, freedom of belief, freedom of expression and most importantly, freedom of choice.

        You hit the nail on the head perfectly with Loose Women. I personally think it’s garbage, the only reason it’s not the worst show on TV is because we have soaps and reality TV. But I do not question your right to watch or enjoy it. All I ask is that in return, you respect my right to watch and enjoy Top Gear, should I choose to do so. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to respect my right to like it because it isn’t doing you any harm, much like Loose Women isn’t do me any harm.

        1. I’m sorry. I promise to stop all that imaginary trolling of MRAs regarding Top Gear. I will delete all those tweets I never actually sent. Feminists, can we all promise to leave Top Gear alone and concentrate on, I dunno, rape threats or something? Ta.

        2. I wouldn’t know what you have and have not tweeted. I don’t use Twitter. I can only take you at your word. Because the written medium is so dry, lacking any form of intonation, sarcasm is generally lost. If you say you trolled MRAs or Top Gear, I can only assume that’s what you did.

  4. I always love this blog, but I give it special love when it gets a mansplainer to misunderstand it in the comments.

  5. What I love is that as a woman, I get to “master” all the office machinery at work because my male boss can’t be bothered to learn how to run a stamp or make a copy. Advance, world domination through complete control of the Xerox machine!

    1. Also, think how much mental effort we all save not having to take on any decision-making roles! Even in important meetings, it’s acceptable and even encouraged to just sit there smiling and occasionally agree with someone

  6. Okay, so as far as I can make out; a guy tweeted you and suggested things weren’t so bad for women because of doors held open, drinks bought and being lusted after. Alright, his arguments weren’t very well developed, I admit. Was he a Men’s Rights Activist? On what do you base this description of him? I’m not aware that there is much of a Men’s Rights Movement. Maybe he was just a guy who wanted to let you know that things don’t look so unbalanced from where he is standing, albeit he didn’t marshall very good examples. As women you have ranks of academics coming up with data, developing feminist arguments and vocabulary. Who are the Gender Studies academics looking in earnest at men’s life experiences, without a feminist agenda? Who is measuring the value of emotional openness and closeness and whether men benefit from that as much as women? Who is asking about family life and whether men are reaping the same rewards as women? Who is investigating how burdensome lust can be for either gender, and the role of crude banter in releasing the resultant psychological tension?
    In celebrating your take down of this man’s arguments, you are like an under-16s football team celebrating the 15th goal against the under-12s. It may lack true satisfaction unless you can take on serious opposition.

    1. There is indeed a “Men’s Rights” movement. In the United States, where I am from, it is (for good reason) classified as a hate movement by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Furthermore, in this country there are a great many academics, both women and men, looking at what you call “men’s life experiences.” Of course, they study, among other things, the *constructions of masculinity.*

      You have loads of male privilege, and it is oozing out of your comment. http://ted.coe.wayne.edu/ele3600/mcintosh.html

  7. I don’t think the SPLC quite said that.

    “It should be mentioned that the SPLC did not label MRAs as members of a hate movement; nor did our article claim that the grievances they air on their websites – false rape accusations, ruinous divorce settlements and the like – are all without merit. But we did call out specific examples of misogyny and the threat, overt or implicit, of violence.”

    http://www.splcenter.org/blog/2012/05/15/intelligence-report-article-provokes-outrage-among-mens-rights-activists/

    1. Sorry, that was in reply to Caitlin, above. I seem to have messed that up after having to repost after a failed initial attempt at embedding a link…

  8. There may be male and female academics looking at men’s life experiences but they all have a feminist agenda. That’s where the funding and the vested interests lie. Academics have to subscribe to the prevailing orthodoxy or risk harm to their careers. When it comes to academic back up for gender politics debate its females who are privileged, and so it’s hardly surprising if the arguments of any “MRAs” (and did this guy say he was one or is that just a generic term for dismissing any man who challenges feminists?) are ill-formed. Before feminists lampoon ill-formed views perhaps they ought to check their gender politics privilege.

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