Following my recent post in response to West Mercia Police’s Safe Night Out campaign, I am wary of gaining a reputation as someone who simply goes around having lots and lots of rubbish sex. This would be reductive and untrue; I’ve had lots of good sex, too. But it’s fair to say I’ve been the participant in many a rubbish shag. What’s even worse is that it’s frequently been my fault.
When it comes to “bad sexual etiquette” I’m ashamed to admit that I’m really pushing the boundaries. Much of this is down to laziness. The truth is that I often find the whole intercourse kerfuffle just way too tiring. All those positions and whatnot – who do they think I am, Beth bloody Tweddle? I’d rather let the other person do all the work and yes, I know that’s rude (in a bad way), but that’s just how I am. I’m kind of hoping I’m sexy and seductive enough for this not to matter too much.
There are other, less passive ways in which I’ve messed up in the bedroom, manners-wise. I once dislocated a boyfriend’s shoulder while attempting bondage with a dressing gown cord. I said sorry and everything, but to be honest it was all a bit late by then. Then there are all those times when, deep in the throes of passion, I’ve called out “Jarvis” or “Adam Ant” or “Morrissey, only back when he was fit and not a racist”. They’ve all been pretty poor, I’ll admit (although I have not, as yet, called out “Lego Han Solo”, which is good, considering). Perhaps the worst thing I have done ended in me being asked to leave a wedding, which I did, willingly, since it simply meant continuing a liaison with a Chesney Hawkes lookalike in a more private setting. I am quite ashamed of that, in retrospect. But at least he didn’t look like a member of New Kids on the Block.
One thing I have never done is had sex with another person without their consent. This is because that is rape, as clearly explained in this fantastic post from Vagendamag (it has diagrams and everything). It is a post that is so clear, even George Galloway could understand it (although he still wouldn’t be able to spell “misogynist”; sad, given that he’s such a good one).
George is confused about the fact that once you’ve had sex with a person you also retain the choice not to have sex with them ever again (I mean, I’d bloody hope so. One Chesney’s enough to last a lifetime). But according to George it’s not so clear:
I mean not everybody needs to be asked prior to each insertion. Some people believe that when you go to bed with somebody, take off your clothes, and have sex with them and then fall asleep, you’re already in the sex game with them.
No, George, you’re not. Some people might believe this, but we call such people rape apologists. We can but hope that they aren’t rapists, too (apparently George isn’t, but not because it’s wrong; it’s because it’s “really sordid”. Personally, I’ve always found “really sordid” to be quite good in relation to sex. But probably not if Galloway’s involved).
I realise that in writing all this I’m making myself into what Galloway would call a “useful idiot” in the whole Wikileaks saga. This is interesting, because the last time I was called a “useful idiot” was in 2003. Tony Blair used the term for people like me when we protested against the invasion of Iraq, on the basis that we simply played into the hands of people like George Galloway. We protested anyhow, fully aware that Galloway was a knob (let’s face it, it’s hard to miss). We were simply saying that the invasion of another country was wrong, just as we’re now saying that having sex with someone who isn’t consenting is rape. It isn’t complicated. You can defend Wikileaks without redefining rape. You can also protest about rape and sexual assault without conflating these things with “bad sexual etiquette”. Seriously, I know the difference. It’s a massive difference. Honestly, George, even “Chesney” would understand.