On Friday I arrived home to find a leaflet slipped through my door, advertising a new women-only gym. Nothing remarkable, you might think, only said gym goes by the name of Ladyzone. Now, I don’t know about you, but my first thought on seeing that was “Jesus, so now I’m expected to lose weight from down there as well!”. And the fact is, I’m not letting any personal trainer get his or her hands on my ladyzone.
It’s not like this has never been a concern. When I was at my thinnest, I had real issues with the size of the ol’ ladyzone. Because the rest of me was so thin my mons pubis really stuck out if I wore anything clingy. I wasn’t particularly hairy, which was neither here nor there, but the minge-bulge was a genuine concern. To be honest, I’m surprised this kind of thing never appears in the Circle of Shame, what with how thin and under never-ending scrutiny everyone there is.
This all reminds me of a piece I found in Company magazine a few months ago. The magazine was offering serious advice on how to shave your pubes to make yourself look thinner. I am genuinely not kidding – I don’t think I’d have the capacity to make this up. Unfortunately I’ve thrown the magazine away so I can’t remember how you’re meant to do it. Any suggestions? I know vertical lines are meant to work for clothes, but I’m not so sure about the pubic region. A bit of me’s thinking that actually, if your bush is covering a wide surface area, this might actually make your hips look smaller by comparison. Hence it might even be an idea to sod the Brazilian and get a pubic wig (I haven’t copyrighted this idea or anything – just can’t be arsed to go through all the patenting and concept development, but if you can, I’d be happy to model it on Dragon’s Den).
So anyhow, I’m not going to join Ladyzone. I’m happy with the size of my bits and if by any chance this isn’t all about ladybit-toning, I’m not joining a normal gym, either. It’s not that I’m lazy, I just don’t see the point. I’m sure if you try hard enough, everything can be achieved by pubic hair-based optical illusion.
POSTSCRIPT Just been reading How to be a woman and Caitlin Moran backs me up on this, claiming that Brazilians make your thighs look bigger. By this she means the treatments, not the people. Mind you, if actual Brazilians had skinny thighs, they’d do that too. (BTW, anyone read the rest of what Moran says about pubic hair? Is she serious? I mean, have attitudes towards a young woman’s pubic hair REALLY become so extreme and unforgiving today? If so, well, FUCKING HELL. That is, I think, the only appropriate response.)