So, what’s your take on the current predicament of Dannii Minogue? Come on, it’s important to take a position on this (by which I mean the whole sorry business involving Dannii, Kris and Little Baby Ethan ™). Okay, so Simon Cowell might have thrown a spanner in the works with his “I might have shagged Dannii a bit ages ago” revelations, but this doesn’t let any of us off the hook. These things matter, and what we all need to decide is: JUST HOW SHIT OUGHT DANNII TO BE FEELING RIGHT NOW?*
I have to admit, I am a bit of an expert on all things Dannii-related,** what with my inexplicable subscription to Glamour magazine. Dannii is Glamour’s resident “style columnist”, which means she gets to go on about how nice it is to have lots of clothes. She also mentions how nice it is that her sister Kylie also has lots of clothes. Sometimes they even get to swap clothes! Fan-bloody-tastic! Of late, of course, there has been another dimension to Dannii’s column. Since the arrival of Baby Ethan, she also gets to write about “mummy style” and “family life” and all sorts of smug things to do with “having it all”. Except now she doesn’t have it all because Kris has buggered off.
The weird publication dates of glossies such as Glamour means that this May’s edition features Dannii writing about her relationship with Kris as though everything’s still A-okay. Oops! I mean, it’s not even May yet! (Should I save the magazine? Could this sort of thing make it a collector’s item?) I don’t know, perhaps they’ll be back together by May and then it will all be fine (and it will only be, ooh, every single other page in Glamour that’s telling readers complete and utter bollocks). Still, what with the Cowell revelations and the general tabloid shit-stirring, I don’t think this seems likely. Sorry, Glamour editors. And, um, Dannii.
Still, perhaps all this will give Kylie some cause for celebration. After all, it’s been quite a while since she was Top Sister and while she’s never admitted it, we all know, don’t we, that deep down she’s been sick with envy (and cancer, admittedly. But mainly envy). Last year Glamour featured an interview with Kylie and while I don’t now have access to it (it’s now polluting hearts and minds in the waiting room of our local GP), I seem to recall it contained a hell of a lot of prodding related to Dannii having a baby and Kylie not having one. Kylie is very gracious (at one point she says “I’ve got my auntie stripes on and I’m ready to go”, whatever that means) but you could easily see the subtext. Come on, Kyles. You’ve really fucked it up, haven’t you? Younger sis has a baby and you don’t! Perhaps you were that bit too successful? (and too full of cancer, obviously. But we won’t say that, as that would be cruel).
But now the Louboutin’s on the other foot (hell, sometimes I could write for Glamour). Dannii’s now a single mum (although not in the “being poor” sense of the word – she’s still got her nice clothes) and Kylie’s providing the shoulder to cry on (as long as that mascara’s waterproof). So where next for les soeurs Minogue? What do you reckon?
Personally, given that they’re reaching the end of their “women of any value” shelf-lives, I think the next step is to buy a massive mansion in Oz and start re-enacting Whatever happened to Baby Jane? Only I’m not sure which one’s Blanche and which one’s Jane. I mean, which one of them ought to take the plunge and do the whole wheelchair thing? Because to be honest, I think both of them would make bloody excellent Janes (and it is the best role. I should know, given the amount of time I spend prancing about in front of the mirror with too much eyeliner on. And serving my loved ones dead parakeet for lunch).
Anyhow, what’s your view? Come on, out with it. WE NEED TO KNOW!
* If you assumed the big question was “what’s with the two “i”s in her name”, look, I’m sorry, but most of us gave up on that one years ago. Get with the sodding programme.
** Parent-bonding alert: who else heard that phrase read out in the voice of Daddy Pig?