Some girls are bigger than others …

… and some girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers.

So sang Morrissey in 1986. I love The Queen is Dead – it’s one of my favourite albums – but I’ve never quite got this song. Is it a metaphor? If so, for what? And if it isn’t, isn’t it a bit bloody obvious? Well, evidently not. It might seem obvious to you and me, but some girls being bigger than others is a source of endless fascination for readers of Closer, Heat and the like.

Sometimes, when I’m getting dressed, I stand in front of the mirror and pretend I’m a celebrity in Closer (look, it gets boring round here. I get lonely. Don’t judge me). Wearing just my bra and pants (“beachwear”) I breathe in, clench my stomach muscles and picture the headlines: “the return of size zero”, “lollipop ladies at large”, or, if I happen to be flavour of the month or they want an interview with me, “best beach bodies”. Then I breathe out, relax my gut and picture next week’s issue: “piling on the pounds”, “lovesick Glosswitch turns to comfort eating”, or, if I’m in favour, “celebrating her curves”. It really is that easy. The strange thing is, at no point in this process do I look simply “okay”. That measure simply does not exist.

Anyhow, now I’ve written all this, I bet “some girls are bigger than others” is a metaphor and I bet it’s really obvious and I look really stupid.

Hmm.

Just to change the subject, is it just me, or is it quite bizarre how much of a tosser Morrissey is these days?

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