Ever since my eldest started school I have wondered why the very concept of “doing the school run” makes me feel like an honorary upper-middle class twat. Thankfully, a copy of Easy Living I nicked from my mum’s has finally provided the answer.

Therein I have uncovered a regular feature called The School Runway. I know it’s a regular feature because you, too, can have the opportunity to appear in it, providing you submit a photo to Easy Living  and enough people “like” it. That said, when I say “you too”, chances are I don’t literally mean you. You’re probably too poor. And you probably don’t have an interesting enough job, or failing that, a husband earns enough for you not to have a job at all yet still be able to wear designer labels. Because that’s what happens on the school run. Apparently. Makes me wonder how I ever manage to sneak eldest in without being cornered by the fashion police.

According to Easy Living’s resident “Style seeker”, “the school gates have never been so stylish”. Now, to look at the pictures on pp. 84-85 of this May’s edition, I wouldn’t be so sure, but then, what do I know? The women there look polished, well-turned out – rich, basically – but it’s only when I read the text that I have to accept that they are indeed “stylish”. They must be, because their labels say so.

Here are some examples of what women are wearing as they drop their kids off at school:

  • Prada trainers
  • Hermès scarf
  • Christian Louboutin boots
  • DKNY cardigan
  • MaxMara boots
  • Day Birger et Mikkelsen top

etc. etc. Do you wear that kind of thing when you drop your kids off? I bet you don’t. Sadly, that could mean no one at Easy Living will “like” you.

So how do these women pay for these things? Well, it’s not by doing the normal day-to-day bollocks the rest of us plough on with. School runway mum jobs include actress, musician, fashion designer, risk manager and founder and director of a children’s club. Failing that it’s stay-at-home mum, albeit one who still gets to wear Prada in a single-income household. Between the glitzy chick-lit-tastic jobs and stay-at-home mumdom, there’s nothing in-between. No nurses, teachers, administrators, shop assistants. Perhaps women like that don’t breed. Or maybe they do but they don’t take their kids to school. Actually, that’s just prejudiced, they probably do. It’s just that their clothes are shit.

Not to worry. It’s not like the school runway mums don’t know what it’s like to be a lesser mortal. Let’s here what they have to say:

I never feel pressured to wear ‘designer’. I love it when other mums ask me where my clothes are from and it’s H&M or Gap.

So says the fashion designer, getting in a quick dig at those silly lesser mums who aren’t stylish enough to “mix it up” with high street and some classic pieces.

I swore I’d never be that mum who leaves the house in tracksuit bottoms, but when it’s a battle to get my daughter dressed, my style matters less.

So says the actress, who isn’t wearing tracksuit bottoms (“that mum” is, though. Yeah, you know who you are).

I’ve done the school run in pyjamas and Ugg boots because I haven’t had time to get dressed.

Well yes, haven’t we all. Albeit in cheaper boots. Us mums, eh, what are we like?

So what do I wear on the school run?

I wear my work clothes, like normal. And I generally manage to avoid having mummy-badge-of-honour effluvia stains by wearing a pinny until I leave the house. And to avoid wearing pyjamas by getting up on time. And to avoid wearing Prada by not having a rich partner.

So far, so boring.

I do, however, manage feel some resentment at the mothers dressed casually, since I presume they probably don’t have jobs to go to and therefore have, if not richer partners, then at least tidier houses than me. Ooh, I hate them, I do, what with me being a career woman and all.

Actually, I wonder if those sorts of feelings are common?

If only the Daily Mail would write an article about it…