Yesterday Buzzfeed published a spoof guide to contemporary feminist terminology. As a contemporary feminist, how I laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, after about half a second’s laughing, I thought “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if someone wrote an actual guide to some actual feminism? One that actually mentions male oppressors and doesn’t spend half the time focussed on which feminists hold unacceptable views?” So despite being female and therefore crap, I decided to give it a go.

Gender (noun):

  1. Oppressive hierarchy, situating adult human males (as the construct “man”) at the top, adult human females (as the construct “woman”) at the bottom.
  2. Nebulous thing that makes you want to wear certain clothes, have certain ideas, do certain activities, adopt certain mannerisms etc. Otherwise known as “being a person”.

Woman (noun):

  1. Adult human female who has, due to her sexed body, been placed in a class not of her choosing.
  2. Whatever the fuck anyone says it is, with final approval going to the dominant class (sorry ladies!).

Female reproduction (noun):

  1. Patriarchal justification for making adult human females do the vast majority of unpaid work on a global scale (regardless of whether individual adult human females have or indeed can have offspring)
  2. Cissexist phrase. In future please refer to “vessels”, “breeders” or “walking wombs”, you fucking bigot.

Male (adj.)

  1. Pertaining to the oppressor class under patriarchy.
  2. Whatever the fuck anyone says it is, with final approval going to the dominant class.

Oppressor, the (noun):

  1. Racist capitalist patriarchy, on the basis that this is an actual source of oppression.
  2. Second-wave feminists, on the basis that they were all evil frigid whorephobic bitches whose refusal to put out has given nice sexy feminists a bad name.

SWERF (noun, acronym):

  1. Woman who does not hold the view that jizz will be the solvent that finally erodes the patriarchy.
  2. Woman who once disagreed with Brooke Magnanti over something or other (no one involved can quite remember what).
  3. Word that happens to rhyme with TERF (see below), forming a handy, catch-all phrase to denote “women who are shit and deserve all the misogyny the SJW blogosphere has to offer”.

TERF (noun, acronym):

  1. Woman who believes that adult human females exist and are oppressed as a sex class.
  2. Woman who is friends with a woman who believes that adult human females exist and are oppressed as a sex class.
  3. Woman who once retweeted a woman who believes that adult human females exist and are oppressed as a sex class.
  4. Woman who on one occasion failed to publicly denounce a woman who believes that adult human females exist and are oppressed as a sex class.
  5. Woman who … (as definitions are continually broadening on this one – for instance, all of the above criteria may now be applied to gay men and trans people – please consult with Roz Kaveney and/or members of Blockbot).

Intersectionality (noun):

  1. Important theory expounded by Kimberlé Crenshaw, illustrating ways in which intersecting oppressions mean different approaches are required to tackle experiences of racism, sexism, homophobia, classism etc., as and when they intersect. See Mapping the Margins.

Intersectional feminist (noun):

  1. Feminist who isn’t a total hypocrite (i.e. who believes in actual intersectional praxis).
  2. Middle-class white woman who has hit upon a PC way of putting “I’m totes not racist, me” in her twitter bio.
  3. Middle-class white male university student who spends his days “educating” white women by ordering the uppity little bitches to stop “punching down”.

Feminism (noun):

  1. Movement for the liberation of all women. As Dworkin wrote:

Feminism is a political practice of fighting male supremacy on behalf of women as a class, including all the women you don’t like, including all the women you don’t want to be around, including all the women who used to be your best friends whom you don’t want anything to do with any more. It doesn’t matter who the individual women are.

  1. Whatever the fuck anyone says it is, with final approval going to the … (you fill in the rest)