February’s issue of Glamour features an interview with the fashion designer Jonathan Saunders. It is, shall we say, illuminating:

“It’s reactionary,” says Jonathan, of the process of designing a new collection.

Too bloody right it is.

“Last season was about a very prim, buttoned-up, put-together woman.”

Riiiiiight.

“That smart woman is still at the core of what we do, but she’s now showing more skin. And I think she’s a little younger.”

Hmm. So Jonathan Saunders designs for an imaginary woman who ages in reverse. Brilliant. And yes, I suppose it’s just a “look”, not a person. But isn’t that the whole problem? It’s not about people, and yet there’s this discomforting pretence that it is, that it could even be about you, if only you weren’t so crap.

Fact is, I like clothes and I like buying different things to wear. Nonetheless, I think fashion, as in haute couture, is pants. Only the fashionistas wouldn’t call it “pants”. They’d call it “a pant”. They’re like that, you see.

Denying the existence of pairs – a smart trouser, a sexy shoe, a smokey eye, a scarlet lip – is just the least of high fashion’s crimes. The whole thing is such a blatant con that I used to wonder what it is I’d missed. But I’ve now decided there’s nothing to miss. It is just unremittingly awful. Here is some of the evidence:

1. Fashion designers are rubbish at designing clothes

I work in publishing. I do not insist all books I work on have the same trim size, same number of pages, same number of images, same font size etc. It would make life easier for me if I did, but I’d feel I was cheating. So why do fashion designers get away with designing clothes for only one body shape? Because the clothes “hang better”? But that is most definitely cheating! It’s not designing clothes, it’s drawing rudimentary pictures and then demanding that other people’s bodies shrink and stretch because you’re too unimaginative to think of the scaffolding and art required to make tits, arses, tummies and thighs look great, too. A complete travesty.

2. High fashion is all about being rich and showing off about it.

It just is.  It’s not about being daring or creating a look that’s new. It’s just about poncing around saying “look at how wealthy I am, scummers”. Look at these Tommy Hilfiger adverts - just look at them! You know every one of these people would look down on 99.9% of the human race. And Moschino Cheap and Chic – what’s all that about? That stuff isn’t cheap! Or is the fact that I think it isn’t proof that the title is an effective shorthand for “not for the likes of you”. And as for those clothes which appear in magazines with the price listed as “on request” – what kind of bollocks is that? It always sounds like “if we like the look of you, it’s 50p, but if you look remotely unappealing, it’s a million, trillion pounds”. Maybe one day I will “request”, just to annoy them. Oh, and then there’s that thing where the richer you are, the more fashion stuff you get for free, often in random goodie bags as a reward for going to charity gala dinners. That’s hardly fair. I braved the streets in a panda mask for WWF and no one even gave me a Primark voucher.

3. The pressure to be “fashionable” makes children feel rubbish

Why are we in thrall to something that makes most kids feel crap? There is only ever one kid at school who has the right accessories and it’s always the one person who actually deserves to feel crap.

4. Fashiony people pretend to care about “issues”

Like “I really care about eating disorders and exploitation, so this year I’m having models who are very very thin as opposed to clinically dead”. Or “I really care about the ethical sourcing of fabric, which is why my clothes are extra-expensive this year, what with them being 100% organic, as confirmed by the children in the sweatshop”. Or “I am against all forms of bigotry and oppression on the basis of how a person looks, which is why I have one black person in the midst of all the white people telling you which clothes you have to wear”. This is such errant nonsense, I don’t know why they don’t all self-combust before getting to the end of a sentence. And in an industry that is apparently all about image, it’s odd how antisemites and racists so easily rehabilitated. Why isn’t that bad for the image?

5. The trendiest people just wear black stuff

What is that all about? How can you be telling everyone else what to wear when all you ever put on is a black polo neck and skinnies? Whenever fashion photo shoots include shots of the stylist or designer, you can’t help thinking it’s all some big trick they’re playing on the model, just to make her look as incongruous and ridiculous as possible. It’s mean. I often wear black stuff, but if I were in a situation such as that, I’d put on a silly hat at least, just to be polite.

6. Everyone pretends to “mix it up”

Then they say stuff like “I like to mix up some classic pieces with some odds and ends I picked up on a flea market in Paris”. Or “I like to mix up colour blocking with double denim to add that extra edge”. Or “I like to mix up one or two investment pieces with a couple of bargains from New Look”. This is all a way of pretending that being “fashionable” is to do with being creative and inspired and not to do with being wealthy. No one should be fooled by this. Today I am “mixing up” a stripy dress from White Stuff sale with an M&S cardigan. I consider this to be pretty fucking directional, but will they notice? Will they hell.

Well, that is the end of my lunchtime rant. And I do accept that attacking the fashion industry is like shooting fish in a barrel. But why is it such a big barrel? And why haven’t they all suffocated yet?