So my son asked me to make a Jabba the Hutt cake in time for his fifth birthday and guess what? I said “yes” and then totally failed to deliver. But in my defence, this was only because I’d decided to put it off until his party, which is this Friday. Also, I’d kind of assumed it would be easy to make the cake anyhow. Surely there’d be something I could get off the internet?

Well, there was. Stuff like this and this i.e. ace cakes that I couldn’t replicate in a million years and which didn’t come with instructions anyhow. So I decided to invent my own “lesser” version. One that would basically “do”. And as a way of motivating myself I took pictures so that I could share the experience with anyone wishing to do the same.

This is not a cake for a parent who’s seeking to impress. It’s for someone who has a son or daughter who’d like a Jabba cake and knows that as long as it’s Jabba-like, it’ll just about pass. So anyhow, here’s what you need to do:

1. Buy this stuff:

Stuff includes: cake mix, eggs, ready-made buttercream, royal icing (green, brown and black), ready-made egg glaze (I also used some edible pearl lustre spray but didn’t include this in the photo as I forgot I had it in my cupboard until later…)

2. Get child to prepare cake mix:

NB This is all you get your child to do – they’d only make a mess of the rest but this way, they can say they “made” the cake and this’ll cover your back if the cake looks crap overall.

3. Bake the mix in the following containers:

This is a medium pudding bowl and an oval serving dish from Ikea. Although I doubt very much it has to be this specific.

4. While mix is cooking, make Jabba’s other bits:

This includes eyes, nostrils, disapproving mouth and arms. You may at this point wish to panic about how to fit the arms on the body without them dropping off. It is an issue, but don’t worry – I’ve got it sussed.

5. When cake is cooled, plonk pudding bit on top of serving dish bit

Taper the end by cutting off the excess to create Jabba’s “tail”. You will need to sample the cake to make sure it’s not rubbish, but wait till you have leftover buttercream to smear on your cuttings.

6. Go hell for leather slathering on masses of buttercream

Just slap it on like mad. There’ll still be some left for your cake sample, which you may wish to enjoy at this juncture.

7. Roll out the green icing and lay it over the cake

Strictly speaking, I think Jabba is more brown than green. But the LEGO version is green, and my son specified that he should be this colour. Besides, it looks more disgusting. Pinch the icing to make Jabba all wrinkly. I’ve included a picture of me pinching (was going to add a suggestive comment but have decided this is a “family” post).

8. Melt some sugar in a pan to make syrup

Here is some sugar in a pan, just in case you found the first bit of that instruction confusing. Use the syrup to stick Jabba’s arms and facial features to the cake (arms should be quite high up). The syrup will set quickly but don’t worry about cleaning the pan – just add some boiling water and pour it down the sink. Then do worry about it setting again and causing a blockage further down the pipes. Maybe it would have been better to chuck it into the garden or something. You’ll know for next time.

9. Spray lustre and egg glaze onto your cake and add Star Wars figures

Ta-dah! The egg glaze is ace for making Jabba look all snotty. He is accompanied here by CP30, Lando, Han and the Sarlacc. I don’t have a LEGO Princess Leia in a bikini. Yet.

10. Don’t tidy up yet

You’ve just made a passable Jabba the Hutt cake! You’re not bloody Superwoman!