Calling all non-male occupiers of human bodies! Have you ever stopped to wonder whether each constituent part of the organism in which you reside is being owned and deployed in the most efficient manner possible?

I have been performing an audit of the heap of flesh and bones which, using a somewhat inaccurate shorthand, I happen to call “me”. It has come to my attention that the multiple ownership of “me” is becoming unwieldy, leading to serious concerns about productivity. In order to provide a template for other non-male body occupiers wishing to perform a similar analysis, here’s where I – or should I say “I” – find myself in terms of body distribution and possession:

  • uterus – depending on country of residence, partial or full property of the unborn
  • orifices – to be at the disposal of anyone with whom body occupier is, or has ever been, “in the sex game”, for now and ever more
  • breasts – property of husband, to be reluctantly loaned out to suckling infants before being returned, saggy and depleted, to the disgruntled original owner
  • brain – thoughts to be freely expressed by body occupier, but subject to approval by men’s rights activists. Penalties for “unacceptable” thoughts range from comedy sexist put-downs involving PMS and/or cats right through to classic rape threats
  • legs – formerly available for shared viewing and approval of builders and other self-identified “leg” men. Now increasingly varicose-veiny, thus back in storage with body occupier
  • smelly/hairy bits – responsibility of body occupier, with external project management handled by Femfresh and Gilette Venus
  • stomach – owned by no-one. This body part should not in fact exist

It seems to “me” that all this is unacceptably piecemeal and certainly not in keeping with a culture of streamlined usage of national resources. I therefore would like to make a proposition regarding the consolidation of the various parts of “me”. It’s a radical one, and has involved a great deal of thinking outside the box, but I believe (subject to approval) that this is precisely the kind of radical thinking a progressive society needs:

*deep breath*

Why don’t “I” just own all of “me”?

Wait – I know it sounds mad – but I’m sure I could make this work. I’m responsible. I’ve 37 years in which to observe the proper functioning and management of “me”. I’m convinced if I was left in charge I could turn this random collection of holes and hair and sexy bits and thoughts into something approaching an actual person. I just know I’d achieve great returns.

So, Board of Owners of “me” – what do you say? The offer’s on the table. I don’t mind if you need some time to consider it – just in the meantime, could I please be allowed to have a trial run?