Dear State of Alabama

Here are some shit things I have done while pregnant:

  • drunk coffee
  • had a sip of champagne on my graduation day
  • repeatedly picked up a heavy object i.e. my other child
  • eaten peanuts
  • not eaten peanuts
  • eaten cake that might have had raw egg in it
  • taken SSRIs for severe depression
  • taken painkillers during labour
  • tripped and fallen due to wearing stupid on-the-bump trousers that wouldn’t stay up
  • had a wank
  • had an actual, full-on shag
  • possibly strained too much while having a shit

Personally, I think if you’re going to lock up pregnant women for being drug addicts, you should lock me up, too. They’re addicts and genuinely suffering. I’m just some middle-class fuckwit, but I’ve been putting my babies at risk all the same.

If you would like to come and arrest me, please get in touch via the comments box.


A Totally Shit Mother

PS I have also breastfed my child after drinking coffee and alcohol (but hey, one’s a stimulant, one’s a depressant. They cancel each other out, right?)