Dear State of Alabama

Here are some shit things I have done while pregnant:

  • drunk coffee
  • had a sip of champagne on my graduation day
  • repeatedly picked up a heavy object i.e. my other child
  • eaten peanuts
  • not eaten peanuts
  • eaten cake that might have had raw egg in it
  • taken SSRIs for severe depression
  • taken painkillers during labour
  • tripped and fallen due to wearing stupid on-the-bump trousers that wouldn’t stay up
  • had a wank
  • had an actual, full-on shag
  • possibly strained too much while having a shit

Personally, I think if you’re going to lock up pregnant women for being drug addicts, you should lock me up, too. They’re addicts and genuinely suffering. I’m just some middle-class fuckwit, but I’ve been putting my babies at risk all the same.

If you would like to come and arrest me, please get in touch via the comments box.

Yours

A Totally Shit Mother

PS I have also breastfed my child after drinking coffee and alcohol (but hey, one’s a stimulant, one’s a depressant. They cancel each other out, right?)