Hey, what’s your rape-ability quotient? If someone were to rape you, how likely is it that they’d get away with it? Or if they were convicted, how likely is it that people would still think it was all your fault? Following responses to the Ched Evans verdict, I’ve been considering this more and more. I don’t excel at most things, but taking all things into account, I’d consider myself pretty damn rape-able.

This isn’t meant as an idle boast. Here, in black and white, is the evidence:

  • I’m not a virgin (slag)
  • I’m SO not a virgin (mega-slag)
  • I haven’t always had a partner (mega-mega-slag)
  • I have a partner now (need to cover up “that one-night stand”)
  • I’m not rich (gold-digger)
  • I’m not famous (attention-seeker)
  • I don’t leave the house with a duvet cover over my head (tart)
  • I usually wear makeup (mega-tart)
  • Even with makeup I’m not pretty (bitter and vengeful mega-tart)
  • I’ve had psychiatric problems (unstable)
  • I’ve read Backlash (I have an agenda)
  • I’ve been attacked before, albeit leading to no conviction (unstable serial liar with an agenda)
  • I like to have 7 hours sleep a night (7 hours in which I wouldn’t even remember whether I’d consented or not)
  • I have orifices that can be penetrated (basically just asking for trouble)

Can you beat that? Don’t worry if you can’t. Just go and have a drink. Two drinks and you’ve beaten me already.

Now, which one of us is going to ring the convent first?