Why I am a crap feminist, Reason no. 27: I own too many shoes
You must say
So how do I feel about my shoes?
Accept yourself, The Smiths
How indeed? Well, unlike Morrissey, I do not possess shoes that “make me awkward and plain”. Au contraire, I possess shoes that make me a superficial, self-indulgent, air-headed parody of womanhood. And what’s more, I possess fucking loads of them.
This is not intended as some thinly-veiled boast. Ooh, hark at me and my great shoe mountain! Just goes to show you can still be a feminist and a SATC-inspired tosser at one and the same time! The truth is, I hate owning this many shoes. Or rather, I hate myself for owning so many (obviously, if I hated the actual owning so much I could give all the shoes to charity. But I won’t. They’re all mine and no one else is getting their feet in them. So there).
Of course, we women are meant to bond over shoes. They’re like the female equivalent of football, only boring. Nothing actually happens. They just sit around being shoe-y. Or you put a pair on (you can only actually wear one pair at a time) and if they’re proper women’s shoes, they hurt your feet. Then you can get bunions like Victoria Beckham and appear in the Circle of Shame in Heat (obviously that’s only if you’re famous. If not, you just have sore, deformed feet).
Womankind’s love of shoes also provides a great reason not to like women very much. Because see, it just proves how frivolous and superficial and self-centred we are. Men don’t faff around debating the virtues of kitten heels over wedges. They just drink their lager, watch their footie and generally lark about being being simple, honest chaps. Whereas us, we’re just so selfish. A few years ago the chick-lit author Marian Keyes even produced a piece entitled A Woman’s Right to Shoes. Geddit? It sounds a bit like it’s to do with abortion rights, but actually it’s all about footwear. Because that’s what women’s liberation was all about. Gaining access to higher-paid jobs so we could buy more shoes (yes, I am aware this is going off at a tangent somewhat…).
Anyhow, all I’m saying is, I feel bad about my shoes But at the same time, I feel pretty pissed off about all the crappy things shoes are meant to say about women. And the extent to which we’re meant to like them when in fact, we just buy them because we’re told to. We don’t actually like the fuckers. Hell, I don’t. They take up way too much space in the bedroom and what’s more, they physically hurt us. That’s not what feminism’s about.
Anyhow, I have lots of shoes. Let no more be said about it.